Wednesday, November 26, 2008


Hey all,

Well, it's over. Why am I smiling through the pain?

Oh, did you think I was talking about the finale of THE SHIELD? No, I was actually referring to the GWAR show Green and I went to on Monday...but I could be talking about the final moments of Vic Mackey and Co. as well...let me backtrack a bit.

THE SHIELD: Last night Luke and I devoured a P'Zone and a Deep Dish and dove into the final episode of our favorite cop show. He kept telling me that THE WIRE might be better, but I guess I like a little DRAMA in my drama and love the broader strokes Shawn Ryan and his crew took with the Farmington crew, which finally came to an end last night. Not much to say, other than I thought it was pretty much the perfect climax to the saga started with a bullet to a cop's brain in the first episode. Both of us were on the edge of our seat the whole time, and it was one of the best hours (and a half) of TV I'd seen in a long while. The climactic episode tied up some ends while keeping things loose and rightfully we got one more "Mackey Method" moment where the bald badass interrogated a scum-bag by throwing his head in a snake tank...while the snake was biting him. Been a while since we've seen one of those extreme tactics used (the Phone Book moment in the first season still tops the list) but in terms of satisfying the fans, this one really did the trick. In a way, the fitting end to our favorite anti-hero cop is very much reminiscent to Greek mythology and the story of Sisyphus, a corrupt king who was punished in Hades by having to push a huge stone up a hill, only to see it fall down the other end and he'd have to start again, over and over again. Vic Mackey is in Hell, and it feels richly deserved. Fuck the SOPRANOS ending episode, this is as good as TV gets when it comes to finales. LOST has a lot to learn. Rest in Peace and your fucked up antics will be missed each Tuesday night.

GWAR!!!: What? What did you say? Sorry my ears are still ringing and its been two days since Green and I met up to hit GWAR at the HOB Sunset. I've seen the gore metal godfathers at least 10 times in my life, maybe more, but its been a while since I saw them play out and felt like the right time, given my "freedom" will be severely compromised in a few months (more like 68 days!).
After a heavy meal at the HOB restaurant (which I think is still sitting in my guts) we rocked out to a few opening acts that got the crowd frothed and ready (Warriors of Sorrow-Jamie Jasta's new band-were great and The Terror gave me NYC Hardcore flashbacks) and suddenly we were surrounded by friends; I had a bunch of G4 blokes track me down who I NEVER would have expected were metal fans, and Green's usual Camera Op B.J. (very VERY cool fucker) and his crew showed up as well...along with Milo and Hayden from HEROES (?!?). Strange cameo to the evening, but they seemed really into the scene as we were primed for the madness, even wearing shitty clothes to sop up all the fluids that would be spurting from the stage...even though I saw some dude who was also wearing a BATTLE ROYALE shirt like I was (dont you hate that?).
Then, with all the thunder Hell can muster, GWAR took the stage and the crowd turned into a whirlpool of bodies, blood and sweat. I honestly couldn't even tell you the set-list because it just seemed like a wall of sound from the pit area (the blood in my ear didn't help) although "Sick of You" was played at the end, much to the frenzied crowd's delight. Midway through the act, my neck stiffened and my back gave a bit; my body saying "Lynch, you saw these guys when you were 18...maybe its time to slow down a little? You're not a kid anymore." To which I said "Fuck you body!" and thrashed my hair about like a member of Lamb Of God till I could bang head no more. Hey, I never had hair this long, so it was cool to actually feel like a metalhead as the hair whipped about, splashing droplets of blood/sweat/tears on the poor dude next to me. Fuck him, he's been doing the same to me! When the show ended at midnight, I got the fuck out, bloodied and sore and happy, and still washing out red from my body to this day.
Best moment? During the show, since GWAR usually puts on a between-song show where they literally "tear apart" the latest target in pop-culture (past victims have been Michael Jackson, Clinton, both Bushes, Madonna, Ben Affleck, etc), when "Obama" came out and they promptly ripped his head off, spraying the crowd with dark red goo. Who was the FIRST person to get a huge squirt in the face? The cheerleader from HEROES. My G4 comrade JP and I looked at each other and laughed: Who would have thought we'd see GWAR and Obama give The Cheerleader a Crimson Facial?
God Bless America.

TWILIGHT: Whateverrrrr.
Are we done yet?

DEAD SET: OK, been hearing a LOT about this show from some fellow FrightFesters, so I did a BAD BAD thing (cue music) and Bit Torrented the 5 episode series (Sorry FCC, I needs ma Zombies!) and glad I did. This is by far the best TV I've seen in a LONG time. Yeah yeah, I was just sucking THE SHIELD off above and if you know me well enough, you might have heard me wax BATTLESTAR GALACTICA's car, but DEAD SET is by far Horror TV at it's bloody finest. It's a simple concept, one that you go "Duh!!" when you hear it (What happens to the Big Brother contestants during the Zombie Holocaust? Genius) and in 5 episodes, the show totally reinvigorated my love for the Undead genre, which has seemingly been played out to (pun intended) DEATH.
Here, the show takes a cue from the 28...LATER series (fast "infected" in England) and even from the original DAWN OF THE DEAD, actually investing time in the characters (along with the "in media res" opening where we are in the control room of the studio where the final episode of BIG BROTHER UK is unfolding) so that when the zombie shit hits the fan, we actually care. I've yet to watch the final episode for season 1, but if you need any proof that Zombie Cinema is still kicking, DEAD SET is almost if they can only get THE WALKING DEAD going...

So, when Im in Jail for illegally downloading the show, getting corn-holed by my 323 pound cell mate named Ennis, I'll just close my eyes and remember what got me there....thankfully it was a modern-classic TV import, not the new Bond fleck. Owie...thanks Bit Torrenting!

THE CURIOUS CASE OF THE GYM SHIT-GHOST: OK, I had to share this because it still makes me giggle.
On Monday, went to the gym (which, and I can't believe Im saying this, I'm actually starting to enjoy...wait, did a pig just fly past my office window? Woah) and was about halfway through my crunches to get rid of that fucking fanny pack fused to my stomach. Next to me was a heavy-set gent who I see regularly there as he sits to my left and begins his own crunches on a yoga mat, his legs suspended in mid-air as he huffs out his reps. So Im just going about my bid'ness....234...235...God this ACDC album....237...rules!....238...


Um...what was that? Was it me?? I know Im "Mr. Farty Pants" and will be the first called when Methane is delegated an actual fuel base, but this wasn't from my brown eye...this was the guy next to me. A huge, beefy fart shot out from his ass like a trumpet solo at the Blue Note while he was in mid-crunch, and with his headphones on, I wondered...did he not hear it? If it was me, I would have been mortified, walking out of the establishment asap and never come back. But this guy just kept going with his crunches, and after a stifled giggle on my part, I went back to my-


Holy shit, did he just do it again? Now my peripheral vision was locked on the guy and I had totally lost my crunch count, and this dude just Belts out another man-queef like he's at home in his own place and in total privacy. This time, he paused after he floated the air biscuit, as if..."wait, was that me?" but after a moment-maybe to get a whiff his wares-he went right about his set. I dunno, again...I would have been embarrassed to no end, but I guess this guy just felt like its a natural thing and whoever is in his orbit is just gonna have to deal. Maybe in his culture or upbringing, squeezing the cheese is just like breathing or coughing, but I need to hear your Shit Ghosts dude?Thankfully they weren't stink-


OK....Im done. Off to the showers. Hopefully I dont step in any random piles of shit. What an asshole...literally.

JCVD: As much as I loved Mickey Rourke in THE WRESTLER, the guy who loves rooting for the underdawg in me thinks in a perfect world...the words "For Your Consideration" would preface the name "Jean Claude Van Damme" in a Variety full-page ad for Best Actor.
Seriously, if you were to tell me in the beginning of the year that one of your favorite movies would have the Van Dammage in it, I might have drop kicked you. But no lie...JCVD is a great film; funny, fresh and clever...and totally takes you by surprise. The movie plays like Van Damme Day Afternoon; JCVD essentially plays himself, a washed up, broken shell of a man dealing with career & family woes and the tribulations of being "that guy" when he walks down the street in his hometown of Brussels when he's suddenly embroiled in a bank heist where the outside world thinks it's HIM behind the crime. What unfolds is a unique, clever and stylish character study and has by far one of the oddest confessional moments in cinema where, in the middle of a scene, Jean Claude actually FLOATS out of the scene to the rafters of the set of the movie being made (not a movie within a movie...THIS movie, shattering the 4th wall into smithereens) as JCVD explains his heartache directly to the camera for what seemed to be 8 minutes, surrounded by the lighting grid on the ceiling. Its one of those moments of sheer movie magic, and there wasn't a dry eye in the house when it was over (Bri and I both looked at each other with tears in our eyes, waving each other away). Seriously speaking, this is fantastic filmmaking, and the dawn of a new career path for Jean Claude...who I was always a fan of but after dreck like SUDDEN DEATH and NOWHERE TO RUN, I lost interest. No more. I can't WAIT to see what's next for the "Muscles from Brussels"...don't fuck it up JC!!!

THANKSGIVING: Well this was a nice surprise...a friend sent the following link to MAXIM's "Favorite Grace Moments" over and I'm honored!

Check out the love HERE

Funny....when i first pitched my plans for WT2 to Fox, my original concept was that it was all happening during Thanksgiving break (which is how all the contestants could have time off to compete and do the reality pilot on spec...yes these are details I think about) and the big dinner set-piece was to actually be the family's Thanksgiving Feast! I thought "When has there ever been anything in horror done to Thanksgiving? This is perfect!" Well, Fox didn't think so and I had to scrap the idea...and then Eli up and snapped up the holiday and made that classic faux-trailer. Oh well, but its nice to think people responded to the scene (YES, I KNOW ITS LIKE TEXAS CHAINSAW....DUH!!! Actually, I'm tipping the hat to TCM2, so there!) and nice of Maxim to give the muties a little holiday love!

Hope you and yours have a wonderful American Turkey Massacre day!

Staying Scary,


Blogger BC said...

I take offense to the claim that Nowhere to Run or Sudden Death are "dreck". You sir, need to see Knock Off and Universal Soldier 2-but-really-4 before you can make that claim!!!

Plus nowhere to run had that awesome sniper bullet POV during the escape sequence. And Sudden Death has Van Damme kicking a hockey mascot.

1:26 PM  

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