Monday, January 15, 2007

The Soapbox: Quiches and Gustav

Hi All,
Lots to talk about with our New York trip, but for now I just wanted to get this off my hairy fuckin' chest.

I was really itching to get on an E-soapbox about the current and dire state of today's marketing. It's really pissing me the fuck off, and here are two relevant examples:

1. BUGER KING vs. The Quiche Cliche.
Hi. My name is Joe. And I like a good Quiche.
Why do I feel like a social miscreant when it comes to this fluffy, savory egg delight? Where did the negative stigma come from? I think it's ripe material for a documentary, but for now I'll save you the conspiracy theories and hard statistics. I just don't get the lack of Quiche love among men. Is it considered "feminine" to enjoy a good florentine and cheddar slice? Well Burger King thinks so: for their new "Texas Double Whopper" ad campaign, they name check the quiche as being for wussies, where man-handling a Heart-Attack-on-a-Bun will properly confirm your masculinity.

This is an unfair judgement on the Quiche, a tasty delicacy that despite it's froufrou origins, is worth a second chance. Maybe it needs a commercial on SPIKE or a 3 page full color spread in Maxim, maybe we need to see Clive Owen, Brad Pitt or Statham or take a big bite between gunfire and fuck scenes for the macho community to take note. For now I will be actively protesting the Texas Double Whopper while enjoying an entire Quiche (I'm thinking....ham, cheddar and asparagus) every time I'm playing one of the Burger King X-Box games. Fuck you King!

2. PRIMEVAL vs. Moviegoers: OK, I've known about this movie for a while from the horror trades and sites and originally it was slated to be released in April. But at the 11th hour, the fine folks at Disney decided to do the ole' switcheroo with another genre release, David Goyer's THE INVISIBLE, supposedly to give the latter film more post time or maybe they are trying to save it. No matter. I was moderately psyched to see PRIMEVAL because...come on, its a giant Croc movie, which in turn means it's a grounded monster movie, and I was sold. If you've ever seen John Sayles brilliant B flick ALLIGATOR (or the final momnts of ROMANCING THE STONE), you know the cinematic potential for huge lizards chomping down on flesh and bone. Plus, the poster that was released was pretty bad-ass and subtly set up the idea that this fucker is HUNGRY. But why the release date switch? Is PRIMEVAL just fulfilling a theatrical distribution window set up my the Mouse House to give THE INVISIBLE more time to finish? Is Disney thinking that PRIMEVAL is just a Giant stinker worthy of the dumping ground that is usually known as January, or maybe that it's actually a good horror flick worthy to counter-program the Oscar hopefuls being released wider, similar to what HOSTEL and WHEN A STRANGER CALLS did?

But then the trailers and commercials started hitting the net and the airwaves, and i got pissed. Really pissed.

"He is the world's deadliest serial killer"? Huh?!?!

For the past few weeks I've heard people from all sides asking about this new serial killer flick coming out, with nary a lizard scale or a huge tail or anything, just Dom (Gravedancers) Purcell and Orlando (Evolution) Jones throwing the "big eyes" and looking at....something.

Look, I understand that a big croc movie that DOESN'T have Paul Hogan in it might be a hard sell...but dont LIE to the consumer. Sure, the stats could be true: "He" might be real..."he" might be still at"He"?!?! A crocodile named "Gustav"?!? It might be the name someone actually bestowed on the thing, but that is one development meeting I would have loved to be in just to give the ugly green fucker a better moniker. Gustav? Is he gonna kill you with Swedish Meatballs?

I'm sorry but I'm calling BULLSHIT on this marketing campaign. I can appreciate the ambition behind the campaign, but again, when it comes to horror fans, treat us like the smart and savvy viewers we are, not the gullible idiots they make us seem to be. I thought it was 100% Idiocracy when, this time last year, there were reports that people were walking out of HOSTEL when they discovered that Quentin Tarantino did NOT direct the flick, saying they were confused by Q.T.'s name above the title. Come on people, you can read the movie times in the paper or on-line or even "IN" line at the can read that it says "Presents" and frankly, Eli was all over the thing more than Eddie Murphy's name in the HARLEM NIGHTS credits, so that just seemed like negative spin on HOSTEL's success, but it's not bad marketing. Having Quentin's name on it was a masterstroke, a seal of geek quality. Hey if it's good and fucked up enough for THRILLER:A CRUEL PICTURE's biggest fan (if you haven't seen THRILLER, the inspiration for Ellie in KILL BILL, leave this site now and dont come back till you have purchased a copy), then it's gotta be at least partially interesting right?
...and then some. Look at the teaser poster for HOSTEL PART II, the meat tapestry. Gross? Yes. Misleading? If you know the first film, you know it's going for maximum sickness, and this poster is just ILL, both in the "Im going to blow chunks" as well as the "Beastie Boys" sorta way.

Long story short, shame on you Mouse and your shitty marketing tactics. As of this writing, the total Box Office hasn't been tallied, but it's pretty clear from the reviews alone that PRIMEVAL will die a quick and painful death. Who knows? Maybe it will live on on DVD...Hey Gustav, just be prepared to get your ass kicked by WRONG TURN 2, pal.

OK...stepping down from my Soapbox derby, but I do want to leave you with an odd and intriguing image I just saw this morning...the gaming world is about to play with fire and unless they want "Human Sacrifice. Cats and Dogs, living together...mass Hysteria" they better get this right...

So, New York is still in full, chilling swing and will give you guys the full report you care.

Staying Scary,


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